I must have been right in my last post.
Since my first post, I haven't really lied. I've become aware of it when I do lie and correct myself before allowing it to develop.
So, since there is nothing to report on that front, I'll just blog.
Since my last two posts, school has ended. On Friday, June 18th, I officially became free of college for the next three months. I had a week "off" which was pretty nice for the most part.
My boyfriend's godfather treated my boyfriend's family and myself to an evening at Cirque Du Soleil on Saturday June 19th and it's was really amazing. I have seen many of their performances on TV and the one we saw definitely was not their best but the experience was amazing, although a little overwhelming for someone who is very sensitive to a lot of noise and large crowds.
But all in all, it was great and if you ever get the chance to go see a performance of theirs, GO!
After that, my week went by pretty slowly. Helping set up a yard sale with my boyfriend and his mom and then back to my house for work on Monday-Thursday.
Thursday night I got to go hangout with my boyfriend and one of our friends. We went to see Toy Story 3 and The A-Team at the drive in.
Both movies were good (though I will always love Disney Pixar movies more than any other)and although it was really windy and cold, it was really fun to spend the night out.
Now, after a fairly uneventful weekend, I am alone for 6 day's/nights while my boyfriend heads off to be a camp councilor for a week at a really positive, cool day camp.
I'm excited for him but I miss him a lot. After living here and being with him pretty much everyday for 6 months, it's so weird being away from him for more than a day or two.
Anyways, this upcoming week is going to be filled with cleaning, packing, working, and avoiding my housemate as much as possible.
Wish me luck...
as much luck as a readerless-blog can. :P
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
This must be working...
Evidently, the thought of having to fess up to my mistakes is enough to keep me from making them.
I have had many impulses to lie since my last post, but.... I haven't done it. Every time I think about it, I remember that I'd have to confess it. I haven't lied and it feels really nice.
:)
I have had many impulses to lie since my last post, but.... I haven't done it. Every time I think about it, I remember that I'd have to confess it. I haven't lied and it feels really nice.
:)
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The Inconvenient Truths of my Life.
This blog has many purposes.
Creative outlet.
Ranting outlet.
Freedom-of-speech-without-fear-of-repercussions outlet.
And, most importantly, truth outlet.
Perhaps the last one is what allows the previous three to completely exist within this blog.
Anyways...
How we got here:
I am a liar. I lie for no reason. Sometimes about moderately big things like "thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend" (when I am thinking just the opposite but want to save myself just in case HE is thinking it) but most of the time about very small, insignificant things.
Aside from seeing a therapist, I couldn't think of much to do in the way of helping me stop this terrible habit so I Googled it. No... seriously... I Googled "how to stop lieing".
The result was surprisingly helpful... at least, I think it was.
One suggestion was to keep a daily diary. Just of thoughts, things going on, etc. As a part of this diary, however, it encourages you to specifically say when you've lied and what about. The goal is to realize (and, for me vocalize- or rather textulize) WHY you are lying.
I'm starting now.
Today: May 19th, 2010
Today, has sucked. Not sucked in that "I really hate life and wish people would leave me the hell alone" sort of suckage, but rather sucked in a way that made me feel worried, disappointed, mean, and then frustrated for most of the day.
First.
Geography class. I dislike geography class. Not because I dislike geography. On the contrary, I find it pretty interesting. My teacher, however, frustrates the hell out of me. First of all, he has an annoying voice. I realize this is not his fault.... but that doesn't stop it from being annoying.
Secondly, he is VERY bad at answering questions. 99% of the time a student asks a question, he simply restates what he had just said within the past 5-10 seconds. If they ask for clarification on what he meant by what he said...... he says it a third time. *FACEPALM* SOOO UNHELPFUL!
Not to be narcissistic or anything, but I'm a pretty good student. I follow lectures really well and know what the hell he's trying to say most of them time... but it just frustrates me to hear him answer other peoples questions WITHOUT EVER ANSWERING THEM! It's along the same lines as defining a word using the same word. It's very unhelpful and rather annoying.
Geography rant over.
Next: Fight with boyfriend.
I was mean to my boyfriend today. Not intentionally. He was really excited about a short song he had recomposed and after he played it for me, I said, "I don't like it."
Now, for clarification, he and I are collaborating on the project that this song is for, so it was in my right to say I didn't like it. It was not, however, very nice of me to say it like that. I felt extremely bad about saying it like that, afterward.
But, in the moment, he just said, "Whatever." And I took that as pissed off and therefore -I- got pissed off, told him to do the whole project by himself, and left for my next class.
Then, we proceeded to have a text message "fight-ish-thing".
Here comes lie #1 for the day: I told him to go to his own house and that I was pissed off at him and that when he walked past me in the hall "like I was shit" it hurt me a lot.
The Inconvenient Truth?: I was ashamed of myself for being mean to him. And because I am a proud person, I never want to admit it when I am wrong and so usually, I just keep on acting like the other person is in the wrong.
I know I was wrong. I know I am wrong a lot more than other people know I am wrong.
Especially my boyfriend. As far as I can tell, he's willing to believe everything I say even though I've talked to him a few times about this problem.
I NEED to fix this for me... but a big part of me also WANTS to fix it for him. He deserves it.
Moving on....
After that class, I sent him a text message asking if he'd still come to my house. That I was confused, I wanted to be with him and to talk and get rid of all of the nasty energy in me but that I was also still mad. (Partial lie. I still was ACTING mad at him but I was still really just mad at myself and the entire situation.)
He said he's come over and as we were waiting for the bus, I became extremely sad.
Lie #2: "I got yelled at in chorus today."
Truth: I said this because I was felt like I needed an excuse for feeling sad. I was at the point between anger and sadness that's extremely frustrating so I made something up so that he'd feel bad for me and hopefully just... forget about stuff and not be mad at me (which I didn't and don't actually know if he was)
We said we were sorry to each other and my day went on pretty well until I got home from work.
When my housemate came home, she called for one of her cats and I shouted, from inside my room, that she was with me. She asked me to let her out and told me that the cat had starting peeing throughout the house.
Lie #3: I told my best friend, boyfriend, and twitter (which, for all intents and purposes IS my best friend and boyfriend) that my housemate, blamed me.
Truth: She didn't blame me. She -did- have a sort of nasty tone when she was "asking" me to let the cat out and when she was telling me about the cat peeing in the house and I felt like I was being blamed through implication. But... she did not actually blame me. At least, not out loud. SO, it wasn't fair of me to tell people that she did.
There's an ongoing level of discomfort in my house which I'll get into later but bottom line:
My housemate and I do not get along. We live with each other... literally(in the we share a house sort of way) and figuratively (in the I tolerate that you're here but don't like it sort of way).
With all of that being said... welcome to my mind. Enjoy your stay.
-SAM
Creative outlet.
Ranting outlet.
Freedom-of-speech-without-fear-of-repercussions outlet.
And, most importantly, truth outlet.
Perhaps the last one is what allows the previous three to completely exist within this blog.
Anyways...
How we got here:
I am a liar. I lie for no reason. Sometimes about moderately big things like "thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend" (when I am thinking just the opposite but want to save myself just in case HE is thinking it) but most of the time about very small, insignificant things.
Aside from seeing a therapist, I couldn't think of much to do in the way of helping me stop this terrible habit so I Googled it. No... seriously... I Googled "how to stop lieing".
The result was surprisingly helpful... at least, I think it was.
One suggestion was to keep a daily diary. Just of thoughts, things going on, etc. As a part of this diary, however, it encourages you to specifically say when you've lied and what about. The goal is to realize (and, for me vocalize- or rather textulize) WHY you are lying.
I'm starting now.
Today: May 19th, 2010
Today, has sucked. Not sucked in that "I really hate life and wish people would leave me the hell alone" sort of suckage, but rather sucked in a way that made me feel worried, disappointed, mean, and then frustrated for most of the day.
First.
Geography class. I dislike geography class. Not because I dislike geography. On the contrary, I find it pretty interesting. My teacher, however, frustrates the hell out of me. First of all, he has an annoying voice. I realize this is not his fault.... but that doesn't stop it from being annoying.
Secondly, he is VERY bad at answering questions. 99% of the time a student asks a question, he simply restates what he had just said within the past 5-10 seconds. If they ask for clarification on what he meant by what he said...... he says it a third time. *FACEPALM* SOOO UNHELPFUL!
Not to be narcissistic or anything, but I'm a pretty good student. I follow lectures really well and know what the hell he's trying to say most of them time... but it just frustrates me to hear him answer other peoples questions WITHOUT EVER ANSWERING THEM! It's along the same lines as defining a word using the same word. It's very unhelpful and rather annoying.
Geography rant over.
Next: Fight with boyfriend.
I was mean to my boyfriend today. Not intentionally. He was really excited about a short song he had recomposed and after he played it for me, I said, "I don't like it."
Now, for clarification, he and I are collaborating on the project that this song is for, so it was in my right to say I didn't like it. It was not, however, very nice of me to say it like that. I felt extremely bad about saying it like that, afterward.
But, in the moment, he just said, "Whatever." And I took that as pissed off and therefore -I- got pissed off, told him to do the whole project by himself, and left for my next class.
Then, we proceeded to have a text message "fight-ish-thing".
Here comes lie #1 for the day: I told him to go to his own house and that I was pissed off at him and that when he walked past me in the hall "like I was shit" it hurt me a lot.
The Inconvenient Truth?: I was ashamed of myself for being mean to him. And because I am a proud person, I never want to admit it when I am wrong and so usually, I just keep on acting like the other person is in the wrong.
I know I was wrong. I know I am wrong a lot more than other people know I am wrong.
Especially my boyfriend. As far as I can tell, he's willing to believe everything I say even though I've talked to him a few times about this problem.
I NEED to fix this for me... but a big part of me also WANTS to fix it for him. He deserves it.
Moving on....
After that class, I sent him a text message asking if he'd still come to my house. That I was confused, I wanted to be with him and to talk and get rid of all of the nasty energy in me but that I was also still mad. (Partial lie. I still was ACTING mad at him but I was still really just mad at myself and the entire situation.)
He said he's come over and as we were waiting for the bus, I became extremely sad.
Lie #2: "I got yelled at in chorus today."
Truth: I said this because I was felt like I needed an excuse for feeling sad. I was at the point between anger and sadness that's extremely frustrating so I made something up so that he'd feel bad for me and hopefully just... forget about stuff and not be mad at me (which I didn't and don't actually know if he was)
We said we were sorry to each other and my day went on pretty well until I got home from work.
When my housemate came home, she called for one of her cats and I shouted, from inside my room, that she was with me. She asked me to let her out and told me that the cat had starting peeing throughout the house.
Lie #3: I told my best friend, boyfriend, and twitter (which, for all intents and purposes IS my best friend and boyfriend) that my housemate, blamed me.
Truth: She didn't blame me. She -did- have a sort of nasty tone when she was "asking" me to let the cat out and when she was telling me about the cat peeing in the house and I felt like I was being blamed through implication. But... she did not actually blame me. At least, not out loud. SO, it wasn't fair of me to tell people that she did.
There's an ongoing level of discomfort in my house which I'll get into later but bottom line:
My housemate and I do not get along. We live with each other... literally(in the we share a house sort of way) and figuratively (in the I tolerate that you're here but don't like it sort of way).
With all of that being said... welcome to my mind. Enjoy your stay.
-SAM
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